Thursday, October 20, 2005

Art Imitating Life; Walking Dead

A few days ago I saw some Christians at a local town centre preaching the Gospel. I was dying to use the toilet at the time so I went into the shopping centre. One woman stopped me and offered me their literature. I declined. She said I looked like someone at death's door and that I needed someone to pray for me. That stopped me in my tracks. I told her she knew nothing of the Truth and if she did she wouldn't speak of death. I was fuming. I went into the shopping centre and was distracted by a photographer who wanted to take my picture, which I've written about in a previous article. I decided that when I was finished I was going to challenge the Christian woman about her method of converting people to Christianity. She was still standing outside speaking to another man. I interrupted their conversation. I asked the woman whether she was aware of "sowing and reaping" as taught in the Bible. She said she was and apologised for what she'd said earlier. She said she'd repented. She asked me whether I wanted her and the man (the pastor) to pray for me. I declined. They insisted that Jesus was Lord and Saviour and I should consider giving my life to Jesus. I told them I was perfectly safe in God's love and God is always looking after me. The woman apologised again and we hugged and that was that.

I've been lying low for a few days. I felt I needed space to just be. The odd thing is I've been feeling weaker and weaker which I attributed to having a period. A while back I thought my period had stopped and then it started and I've just accepted that it will stop when it stops. One thing I've noticed is how my inner state affects the flow. When I'm still, the flow is also still and gives me a sense that it has stopped. The moment I'm focused on everyday stuff, or when I'm asleep, the flow is back to normal.

Anyway yesterday I decided to hoover (vacuum clean) the house before going out. I felt dog-tired. Another thing I've noticed is that when I do anything in a physical way I feel exhausted. For instance, just cleaning the bathroom mirror using elbow grease leaves me exhausted. I find I have to clean by barely making contact; I let my intention do the work. Even as I'm typing this piece, I'm just letting my fingers do the typing without effort; I can barely feel the keyboard. It feels like empty space is writing this article. The moment my fingers feel physical and I'm bashing away at the keyboard, I feel pain.

Even though I'd hoovered in the most non-physical way possible, I still felt exhausted. I lay on the couch trying to recuperate. What's wrong with me? I feel as if I've lifted a ton. I reminded myself that I am inexhaustible Energy, therefore I am never tired. I got up to get ready but I felt dizzy and weak and lay on the couch. I was also in a lot of pain. Is it possible that Christian woman had been right about me after all? Am I "dying?" I was shivering and felt nauseous. This was no ordinary period pain, it felt like my life force was being drained out of me. I was aware of being two people, the physical self racked in pain and the other me who is unaffected. I prayed for help and guidance and heard the words: "We are One." I wrapped myself in my duvet and put the television on to the God Channel, hoping that would help me snap out of it. The man on the channel was speaking about people who refused to make Jesus Lord of their life and how sickness is an indication of one's rebellion. That's all I need! After this programme another teacher spoke about people not committing to God and only calling on God when there is a need.

I've had enough of this, time for someone I can really relate to. I turned the channel to
Ally McBeal, about the mad psychotic lawyer. I felt a lot better. After Ally McBeal, I watched an episode of Star Trek Voyager called One. I found I could really relate to this episode.

The Voyager crew are lost in the Delta Quadrant and have been trying to return home. In this episode they discover a nebula system that could cut down their journey time. While trying to go through the nebula, the crew suddenly fall ill and suffer from headaches, burns, and dizziness; one crew actually dies. The cause is radiation from the nebula. Only the holographic doctor and Seven of Nine, who is half human and half
Borg, are unaffected. The captain has to make a decision to either take the ship through the nebula in one month, and risk death; or take a whole year to go round the nebula. The doctor suggests that the crew is put in stasis for a month, while Seven of Nine and the doctor take care of the ship.

As a Borg, Seven of Nine was part of a collective where everyone shared the one mind and one intent. She's been finding it difficult being an individual. The captain reminds Seven of Nine that she might find it tough being alone, but Seven insists she will adapt.

Soon the crew are in stasis. Seven of Nine is trying hard to cope with being alone with the doctor. She is getting more and more irritable. The doctor's mobile emitter, a device which enables him to move about, is soon affected by the radiation and he is confined to sickbay. Seven of Nine has to take care of the entire ship on her own; she is now truly alone. She soon starts hallucinating without realising she is. In one hallucination, she encounters a Borg drone who tells her she's now weak and imperfect as an individual, and that she doesn't belong in the ship. At one point the doctor asks her whether she is afraid and she replies, "I am Borg." The doctor helps Seven of Nine see that she has been hallucinating and that she should focus on her duties as the crew is depending on her. The ship goes through the nebula and everyone is fine. Seven of Nine learns that she doesn't like being alone.

What occurred to me about this episode was how similar I am to Seven of Nine. Seven of Nine is not quite Borg, nor is she fully human but she's being socialised to be a human. I know that I am Spirit. I am experiencing the world as both spirit and human, but I am being socialised as Spirit. This is why when I experience myself as physical, I feel pain. As a human, everything has a cause whether it is a material, thoughts or emotions. There is no cause in Spirit; or rather, Spirit is the only Cause which is Love. When I saw the pain as having a cause (as in period) I was seeing myself as human which made me weak. It was only when I reminded myself of who I am, that I am Spirit, therefore, the pain has no cause because there is no pain in Spirit, did I feel better. So I need to be always focused on the truth of who I am. Unlike Seven of Nine, I am perfectly fine with being alone; I know that wherever I am, I am all One.

Was the Christian woman right about me? Yes and no. Yes she may have seen a "death" which is me dying to a physical sense of the world. Maybe I am a walking dead! Isn't that cool? But as Spirit, I am deathless, beginningless and endless.

All is Spirit.
I am Spirit.

Enocia

Related poem: To Be Alone